Category Archives: courtroom follies

b e r k e s l a w Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

COURTROOM FOLLIES

 A whole lot of crazy takes place in courtrooms. As a lawyer I can tell you that no matter how good something may sound the night before, the best laid plans can go horribly awry in open court, and outrageous (and unintended) exchanges occur as a result.  Then, of course, there are those occasions when people act as their own counsel, an often regrettable decision. More crazy.  Whatever the case, below you will read real-life courtroom exchanges, repeated word for word, as recorded by court reporters who labored to remain straight-faced whilst typing some of the most ridiculous conversations ever committed to paper. Please enjoy: Truth is most definitely stranger (or at least funnier) than fiction.

WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

 Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”

Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”

Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”

AN OFFER’S STILL AN OFFER

Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”

Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”

THERE SIMPLY ARE NO WORDS

Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”

Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”

Lawyer: “It was covered?”

Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”

Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”

Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”

AT LEAST IT WASN’T THE GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS POST

Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”

Witness: “I could see his head.”

Lawyer: “And where was his head?”

Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”

ITS MY DUTY TO DRINK

Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”

Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”

NOW THAT YOU ASKED

Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”

Witness: “The victim lived.”

LET’S AT LEAST BE ACCURATE

Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”

Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

WHAT HE SAID

Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”

Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”

ONLY THE WITNESS KNOWS

◦   Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”

◦   Witness: “I only have one, you know.”

ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME, AND I’LL . . .

◦   Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”

◦   Witness: “By death.”

◦   Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

 

(stay tuned for future installments!)

b e r k e s l a w Sophie and Ernie

Sophie and Ernie

Sophie Tucker and her boyfriend Ernie were sitting around one lazy day when Ernie, hoping to inspire a little jealousy, suddenly said “Ya know, Soph, when I’m 80, I’m gonna get me a 20 year old girl.” To which Sophie replied, “oh yeah, sport? Well, when I’M 80, I’m going get me a 20 year old boy, and you know what else, Ernie? 20 goes into 80, a lot more times than 80 goes into 20.”

Services – Berkeslaw

Services

Product / Service #1

Whatever your company is most known for should go right here, whether that’s bratwurst or baseball caps or vampire bat removal.

Product / Service #2

What’s another popular item you have for sale or trade? Talk about it here in glowing, memorable terms so site visitors have to have it.

Product / Service #3

Don’t think of this product or service as your third favorite, think of it as the bronze medalist in an Olympic medals sweep of great products/services.

Talk more about your products here.

Tell prospective customers more about your company and the services you offer here.  Replace this image with one more fitting to your business.

Talk more about your products here.

Tell prospective customers more about your company and the services you offer here.  Replace this image with one more fitting to your business.

Next Steps…

This is should be a prospective customer’s number one call to action, e.g., requesting a quote or perusing your product catalog.

Portfolio – Berkeslaw

Portfolio

Product / Service Categories

Project Name

Talk about this portfolio piece–who you did it for and why, plus what the results were (potential customers love to hear about real-world results). Discuss any unique facets of the project–was it accomplished under an impossible deadline?–and show how your business went above and beyond to make the impossible happen.

Product / Service Categories

Project Name

Talk about this portfolio piece–who you did it for and why, plus what the results were (potential customers love to hear about real-world results). Discuss any unique facets of the project–was it accomplished under an impossible deadline?–and show how your business went above and beyond to make the impossible happen.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) – Berkeslaw

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)

This is where you should answer the most common questions prospective customers might have. It’s a good idea to cover things like your return policy, product warranty info, shipping and returns, etc. Check out the examples below.


What’s your return policy?

Return any of our products–no questions asked–within 30 days of purchase. We even pay return shipping.


Do you ship oversees and to P.O. boxes?

Yes, we’ll ship your package anywhere that can accept deliveries.


Do you have customer service?

Of course! Our friendly and knowledgeable customer services reps are available to answer your questions 24/7/365.

Disclaimer – Berkeslaw

Disclaimer

Disclaimer

Thank you for visiting my blog (the “Blog”); however you got here, I am honored that you took the time to stop by and review the materials presented, and the services offered. Please be advised that what you read and see here has been prepared, or is being presented, for general informational purposes only to those who visit the Blog in order to learn more about my law firm, Berkeslaw (the “Firm”), and the services we offer. Nothing contained, printed, stated and/or archived herein, including any and all of the articles, tweets and comments posted, is not, nor can it be construed as constituting, “legal advice” of any kind or nature, and is not to be acted on as such. The materials on my blog may not be current, and its contents are subject to change without notice. The opinions expressed herein are my own, and are just that: Opinions.

Terms of Use


By your use and visitation of this site, you hereby acknowledge and agree that the Blog, and the information contained and/or transmitted herein, and/or your receipt of same, does not create, nor is it intended to create, an “attorney-client relationship.” Under no circumstances should you rely upon your transmission of an e-mail using my Blog to create an attorney-client relationship, or have any such expectation. Visitors to the Blog should not act upon any information contained herein in this without first consulting legal counsel of their own directly. If you have questions about the law, or a particular legal issue or problem, please feel free to make an appointment to speak with me, but it is essential for your own protection that you understand that nothing you read or review in this Blog is being provided in the course, conduct or context of an attorney-client relationship. Different countries, States, counties, cities, districts, and the like, all may have different laws, rules and regulations, and those may and do change from time to time, so notice is hereby given that nothing contained on this Blog is intended to constitute legal advice, or should it be used or understood as a substitute for obtaining legal advice from an attorney licensed in the appropriate jurisdiction.

Links To Other Sites


This Blog may from time to time include links to other Internet sites whose content, views, opinions and other materials are beyond my control. My firm is not responsible for the content of any such sites, and a link to such sites does not necessarily mean or imply my endorsement of the information, material, products or services contained on or accessible therein. You hereby acknowledge and agree that should you decide to link to other Internet sites, your use of such sites, and your use of any information, material, products and services offered by such sites, necessarily occur at your own risk.

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Please be advised that all of the content found on this Blog is provided “as is.” No representations of any kind are made that the content will be timely, factually accurate, error-free, and/or free of viruses or other harmful electronic elements. Moreover, you should not expect, nor is any representation herein made, that any alleged errors or defects will be corrected. The video and its content, the blog posts, tweets and other materials that appear on this Blog, and the opinions stated therein, are all my own (unless otherwise specified), and they may, from time to time, be considered controversial, inappropriate or offensive to some of those who visit. As individual tastes and opinions vary and change, please be advised that all content on this Blog is intended only for the purposes of information and/or to stimulate discussion or interest, and under no circumstances is my intent to alarm, dismay or offend anyone. The Firm makes no representations, express or implied, with respect to the timeliness, accuracy or completeness of any of the contents of this Blog, and expressly disclaims any liability or warranties, express or implied, including, without limitation, any implied warranties of merchantability, fitness for a particular purpose or non-infringement. Your sole remedy for any dissatisfaction with any of the content of this Blog is to refrain from using it.

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The Firm has a deep and abiding respect for your privacy. If you contact us voluntarily regarding our services, we may collect the following categories of personal information: name, company name, title, email address, telephone and facsimile numbers, and mailing address.
 We do not sell, trade or rent personal information submitted by visitors to companies, mailing lists or organizations outside of this Firm.  However, please be advised that in no event are any “comments” that you submit, or information that you provide in response to the Blog, considered confidential attorney-client communications, protected by the attorney-client privilege. They are not thus privileged, and you should be aware of this fact when submitting anything to or on the Blog.

Contact Us – Berkeslaw

Contact Us

Contact Us

For any questions and/or concerns you may have, or to set up an appointment
to meet either by telephone or in person, please contact the Firm as follows:

David Berke (State Bar #123007)
B E R K E S L A W
7162 Beverly Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90036

Telephone: (323) 879-9115
Cell Phone: (310) 251-0700

email: [email protected]
Twitter: @berkeslaw

Please note that the Firm does not employ a fax machine, believing it to be obsolete technology. Rather than pass along ink costs to you, the consumer, we ask that you “go green” and email documents instead.

If you really are serious about reaching me, then please make certain that you always favor email over voice-mail when leaving messages. I may just be out for a moment, walking Butters, but I will have my Blackberry with me. If I am out for coffee with a client, then I will have an iPad.  In other words, emails are checked obsessively, while voice-mail messages invariable disappear into a cosmic black hole. Even the voice-mail on my cell phone is deactivated, for goodness’ sakes. Finally, for all of you zealous attorneys out there — you know who you are — notice is hereby given that this blog may not be used for the purposes of providing ex parte notice, as the blog is not intended for the purposes of day-to-day litigation, and it is thus not necessarily reviewed regularly.

Please Let Us Know How We Can Help

Blog – Berkeslaw

Recent Posts

About Us – Berkeslaw

About Us

About the Firm

Hello, my name is David Berke, and I have been a Los Angeles lawyer for the past 27 years.  I began my legal education at Osgoode Hall in Toronto (Canada’s finest law school, in my home town), before completing my degree at UCLA in 1985. I first joined a marquee New York law firm, before making my way to a Westside law firm specializing in entertainment litigation. During my 5 years at the firm, I had the good fortune of learning my craft under the tutelage of two great lawyers, one, a brilliant law firm manager, and the other, one of the finest trial attorneys in the country, and someone I count among the best people I know. In 1989, however, I made the decision to open up my own law practice, a scary enough choice, but one made for a very specific reason.  Thus, the only true ambition I really ever had in life was to be the father of a family and, as I watched my colleagues miss innumerable milestones, vacations, and sometimes even the most modest family outings, I knew that big firm practice was incompatible with the type of parenting I wanted to experience and enjoy.

So, with in-house jobs becoming more scarce all the time, my only real option was to open my own practice.  Unlike others similarly situated, however, I opted not to design my practice around high volume fields traditional to solo practitioners such as plaintiff’s personal injury or worker’s compensation. Instead, I choose a rather unconventional approach, whereby I essentially conduct a big firm practice by myself, favoring the maintenance of a few cases (from small to large, depending on the circumstances)  which command – and receive –  a greater degree of my personal attention. As such, I have often taken on very large matters for very prominent clients, but invariably for the purpose of keeping my clients out of the spotlight rather than place them in it. In this fashion, therefore, you might say that I am one of the best known lawyers in Los Angeles that you’ve never heard of, because I would rather focus on my clients’ needs than make a “name” for myself, and/or a spectacle of those I serve.

Please do not imagine, however, that my practice is somehow limited to the representation of well known entertainment figures; far from it.  I have a wide range of legal experience involving contractual and business disputes of all kinds, as well as defamation, copyright, trademark (and other IP), employment matters, plaintiff’s class actions, and still others.  There are also occasions where I am called upon to bring my litigation experience to bear to assist in cases which lie outside my traditional areas of expertise, such as probate, family law, and elder law.

As circumstances require, I will take my cases either to trial or arbitration, historically with great success.  Nonetheless, the economies of the day, combined with my natural inclinations and my ethical compass, move me instinctively towards finding alternative means of resolving disputes, as opposed to churning my cases for legal fees. I want my clients to win, and so they do, but “winning” these days more often than not means arriving at a result that is satisfying, preserves dignity, and permits my clients to proceed with their lives with litigation far in their rear view mirrors as quickly and efficiently as possible.

As stated above, there is a legal maxim which holds, “for every wrong there is a remedy.” I want to be that remedy. Call or email me and let’s see what we can do to help.

About firm – Berkeslaw

About firm

About the Firm

Hello, my name is David Berke, and I have been a Los Angeles lawyer for the past 27 years.  I began my legal education at Osgoode Hall in Toronto (Canada’s finest law school, in my home town), before completing my degree at UCLA in 1985. I first joined a marquee New York law firm, before making my way to a Westside law firm specializing in entertainment litigation. During my 5 years at the firm, I had the good fortune of learning my craft under the tutelage of two great lawyers, one, a brilliant law firm manager, and the other, one of the finest trial attorneys in the country, and someone I count among the best people I know. In 1989, however, I made the decision to open up my own law practice, a scary enough choice, but one made for a very specific reason.  Thus, the only true ambition I really ever had in life was to be the father of a family and, as I watched my colleagues miss innumerable milestones, vacations, and sometimes even the most modest family outings, I knew that big firm practice was incompatible with the type of parenting I wanted to experience and enjoy.

So, with in-house jobs becoming more scarce all the time, my only real option was to open my own practice.  Unlike others similarly situated, however, I opted not to design my practice around high volume fields traditional to solo practitioners such as plaintiff’s personal injury or worker’s compensation. Instead, I choose a rather unconventional approach, whereby I essentially conduct a big firm practice by myself, favoring the maintenance of a few cases (from small to large, depending on the circumstances)  which command – and receive –  a greater degree of my personal attention. As such, I have often taken on very large matters for very prominent clients, but invariably for the purpose of keeping my clients out of the spotlight rather than place them in it. In this fashion, therefore, you might say that I am one of the best known lawyers in Los Angeles that you’ve never heard of, because I would rather focus on my clients’ needs than make a “name” for myself, and/or a spectacle of those I serve.

Please do not imagine, however, that my practice is somehow limited to the representation of well known entertainment figures; far from it.  I have a wide range of legal experience involving contractual and business disputes of all kinds, as well as defamation, copyright, trademark (and other IP), employment matters, plaintiff’s class actions, and still others.  There are also occasions where I am called upon to bring my litigation experience to bear to assist in cases which lie outside my traditional areas of expertise, such as probate, family law, and elder law.

As circumstances require, I will take my cases either to trial or arbitration, historically with great success.  Nonetheless, the economies of the day, combined with my natural inclinations and my ethical compass, move me instinctively towards finding alternative means of resolving disputes, as opposed to churning my cases for legal fees. I want my clients to win, and so they do, but “winning” these days more often than not means arriving at a result that is satisfying, preserves dignity, and permits my clients to proceed with their lives with litigation far in their rear view mirrors as quickly and efficiently as possible.

As stated above, there is a legal maxim which holds, “for every wrong there is a remedy.” I want to be that remedy. Call or email me and let’s see what we can do to help.