Courtroom Follies Presents All New, Product Warnings
WARNING: DON’T READ THE PRODUCT WARNINGS
As a lawyer, it’s not easy for me to admit that my profession is to blame for a certain amount of defensive commercial overreaction; in other words, the FOGS (“Fear of Getting Sued”). With simply too many frivolous lawsuits abounding, manufacturers and commercial ventures of all types trip over themselves to place “warnings” on their products in the vain hope of forestalling litigation. Two problems spring to mind, however: (1) the “warnings” are of no real legal merit, and (2) they can make you look stupid. Here are some examples, and see if you don’t agree.
◦ “Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.
Almost Makes You Want To Do It
◦ “Warning: Do not use on eyes.” — In the manual for a heated seat cushion.
◦ “Do not look into laser with remaining eye.” — On a laser pointer.
Why Didn’t You Tell Me That BEFORE?!?
◦ “Do not use for drying pets.” — In the manual for a microwave oven.
What? Have My Business is Men!
◦ “For use on animals only.” — On an electric cattle prod.
My Wife is Trained
◦ “For use by trained personnel only.” — On a can of air freshener.
◦ “Keep out of reach of children and teenagers.” — On a can of air freshener.
Duh, You Mean It’s A Trick? Lennie . . .
◦ “Remember, objects in the mirror are actually behind you.” — On a motorcycle helmet-mounted rear-view mirror.
I Don’t Care What It Means, It Sounds Sexy
◦ “Warning: Riders of personal watercraft may suffer injury due to the forceful injection of water into body cavities either by falling into the water or while mounting the craft.” — In the manual for a jetski.
Okay, I promise
◦ “Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death.” — A label inside a protective bag (for fragile objects), which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.
◦ “Do not use as ear plugs.” — On a package of silly putty.
My Favorite Part
◦ “Please store in the cold section of the refrigerator.” — On a bag of fresh grapes in Australia.
Sharp Enough To Cut Out Your Tongue?
◦ “Warning: knives are sharp!” — On the packaging of a sharpening stone.
Tell Me About It
◦ “Not for weight control.” — On a pack of Breath Savers.
There Must Be More To This
◦ “Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.” — On the label of a bottled drink.