Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

COURTROOM FOLLIES

A whole lot of crazy takes place in courtrooms. As a lawyer I can tell you that no matter how good something may sound the night before, the best laid plans can go horribly awry in open court, and outrageous (and unintended) exchanges occur as a result.  Then, of course, there are those occasions when people act as their own counsel, an often regrettable decision. More crazy.  Whatever the case, below you will read real-life courtroom exchanges, repeated word for word, as recorded by court reporters who labored to remain straight-faced whilst typing some of the most ridiculous conversations ever committed to paper. Please enjoy: Truth is most definitely stranger (or at least funnier) than fiction.

WAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

 Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”

Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”

Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”

AN OFFER’S STILL AN OFFER

Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”

Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”

THERE SIMPLY ARE NO WORDS

Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”

Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”

Lawyer: “It was covered?”

Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”

Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”

Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”

AT LEAST IT WASN’T THE GUY FROM THE PREVIOUS POST

Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”

Witness: “I could see his head.”

Lawyer: “And where was his head?”

Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”

ITS MY DUTY TO DRINK

Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”

Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”

NOW THAT YOU ASKED

Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”

Witness: “The victim lived.”

LET’S AT LEAST BE ACCURATE

Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”

Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”

WHAT HE SAID

Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”

Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”

ONLY THE WITNESS KNOWS

◦   Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”

◦   Witness: “I only have one, you know.”

ASK ME THAT ONE MORE TIME, AND I’LL . . .

◦   Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”

◦   Witness: “By death.”

◦   Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”

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