A whole lot of crazy takes place in courtrooms. As a lawyer I can tell you that no matter how good something may sound the night before, the best laid plans can go horribly awry in open court, and outrageous (and unintended) exchanges occur as a result. Then, of course, there are those occasions when people act as their own counsel, an often regrettable decision. More crazy. Whatever the case, below you will read real-life courtroom exchanges, repeated word for word, as recorded by court reporters who labored to remain straight-faced whilst typing some of the most ridiculous conversations ever committed to paper. Please enjoy: Truth is most definitely stranger (or at least funnier) than fiction.
We Could Do a Shampoo Commercial
◦ Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
◦ Witness: “I could see his head.”
◦ Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
◦ Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”
Good Qualification
◦ Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
◦ Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”
You Asked
◦ Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
◦ Witness: “The victim lived.”
Please. Stop. It Hurts. . .
◦ Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
◦ Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”
Right, Let’s Just Go On to The Next Set of Questions . . .
◦ Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”
Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”
And MY Birthday?
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Gear. What, You Wanna Make Someting Outa It?
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
That Voodoo That You do So Well
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
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