Courtroom Follies – All New, All Bad

Courtroom Follies – All New, All Bad

A whole lot of crazy takes place in courtrooms. As a lawyer I can tell you that no matter how good something may sound the night before, the best laid plans can go horribly awry in open court, and outrageous (and unintended) exchanges occur as a result.  Then, of course, there are those occasions when people act as their own counsel, an often regrettable decision. More crazy.  Whatever the case, below you will read real-life courtroom exchanges, repeated word for word, as recorded by court reporters who labored to remain straight-faced whilst typing some of the most ridiculous conversations ever committed to paper. Please enjoy: Truth is most definitely stranger (or at least funnier) than fiction.

Maybe That Was “Lumbar Woods?”

Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”

Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”


Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”

Witness: “Fair.”

Tell Me About It

Lawyer: “Are you married?”

Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”

Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”

Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”

 My Head Hurts

Lawyer: “And who is this person you are speaking of?”

Witness: “My ex-widow said it.

 We Know What You Meant, Sort Of

Lawyer: “How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”

Witness: “Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”


Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”

Well, He Was Not Much For Conversation

Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”

Witness: “Yes sir.”

Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”

And That IS a Lovely Ascot, If I May Say

Lawyer: “Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”

Witness: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”

Seem, Seem, Salabeem . . .

The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”

Oh Brother, Can We Start This Again?

Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”

Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”

Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”

Witness: “Attached to the ears.”

I Second That Emotion

Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”

Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”

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