Well, You Asked It

Well, You Asked It

A whole lot of crazy takes place in courtrooms. As a lawyer I can tell you that no matter how good something may sound the night before, the best laid plans can go horribly awry in open court, and outrageous (and unintended) exchanges occur as a result.  Then, of course, there are those occasions when people act as their own counsel, an often regrettable decision. More crazy.  Whatever the case, below you will read real-life courtroom exchanges, repeated word for word, as recorded by court reporters who labored to remain straight-faced whilst typing some of the most ridiculous conversations ever committed to paper. Please enjoy: Truth is most definitely stranger (or at least funnier) than fiction.

Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”

Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”


Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”

Witness: “Fair.”


Lawyer: “Are you married?”

Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”

Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”

Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”


Lawyer: “And who is this person you are speaking of?”

Witness: “My ex-widow said it.


Lawyer: “How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”

Witness: “Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”


Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”


Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”

Witness: “Yes sir.”

Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”


Lawyer: “Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”

Witness: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”


The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”


Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”

Witness: “No.”

Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”

Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”

Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”

Witness: “Attached to the ears.”


Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”

Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”


Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”

Witness: “Oral.”

Lawyer: “How old are you?”

Witness: “Oral.”


Lawyer: “What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”

Witness: “She is my daughter.”

Lawyer: “Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”


Lawyer: “Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”


Lawyer: “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”

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